It’s been one of those days. The ones where you wake up and even within the first 10 seconds of blinking your eyes awake you say ‘fuck it’. I arose this morning fighting every urge in my body to slink back underneath the covers and cry through it all. I don’t even want to be in my skin at this point, but somehow I manage.

In a pretty dress, I face the world. If the package is beautiful, I’ll make my insides okay and fit in. You may see me and think that I wouldn’t be extremely socially awkward sometimes. In fact, most people who meet me will later tell me they were intimidated by me and my ‘confidence’. Or that they thought I was stuck-up? This kinda stuff makes me laugh.

I finish all my classes and politely smile and thank the girls who tell me they love my dress; for some reason I tend to get complimented quite a bit these days. A girl in my social media class says I remind her of ‘Sharpay’ from High School Musical. She also tells me that the dress I ordered online is ‘SO me’. How does she know me better than I know myself? I keep the smile on my face and laugh like they do. I know after my class they will all be going back to their houses or apartments with their friends and planning fun activities for the evening. I will be going home alone, ugh.

After finishing my portfolio (which takes me a long time, as I’ve procrastinated yet again) I stare at the wall for awhile and text Lauren. I’d like to go to the bars, I’d like to see people, at least interact and watch some of them. An hour later, she responds. A group of girls will be going to Dukum for All You Can Drink at 10:30pm. I get excited, but nervous. I’ll have to pick another outfit for this, and of course it’s extra important that I look presentable. I finally leave around 10:45 and text her that I’m on my way.

Dukum is incredibly crowded. I wait patiently in line to have my age checked and walk over to the bar to say hello to Andrew, who is tending the bar. I see a couple people I know and smile and wave. I don’t know what to do when I’m not at the bar with anyone and must look like such an idiot awkwardly standing and looking around. Lauren finally texts me and says they’re going to be late. ‘Great’, I think. More time to stand around and look out of place.

I walk around the bar, doing a loop, and see a number of different people. I love seeing people from my Interpersonal Communication class. I feel like I really connect with a couple of them and this makes me feel a bit better. Zach comes up and hugs me and picks me up, which I don’t know how I feel about, but it’s nice to have someone pay attention to me. I walk around the bar and am pushed and shoved a couple of times, which knocks me off my balance.

Lauren and company finally show up, and I’m happy to have people to be there with. However, she doesn’t seem very interested in spending time with me, and takes off in multiple directions to get drinks and deal with drama, so I contemplate leaving and end up sitting with another classmate, Allie, whom I admire quite a bit. I always feel silly for getting my hopes up about Lauren not disappearing and spending time with me. Kind of like I’m a fool for showing up. Eventually everyone heads to wrongdaddy’s and I stay for a bit and then leave to drive home.

I’m sitting in my pajamas and about to sleep, but I have hope that tomorrow will be better…